From the classified advertising archives—the whimsy file
Do you long for the days of the Orgelbewegung? Are you nostalgic for the poofy sound of chiff? If it’s missing from the pipe organ you play, then you need Chiff in a Jif! This amazing new kit uses ultra high-tech, black box technology to provide authentic-sounding attack where previously there was only sludge. This top secret new technology developed by the CIA takes digital sampling to the next level, and will turn the fattest Diapason into a spitting, svelte Prinzipal, and transform Doppelflutes into Quintadenas. Use at your discretion by means of its inconspicuous remote control (batteries not included). Black boxes attach to the bottom board of each windchest. Easy-to-use kit installs in just an afternoon or two using ordinary sacristy tools. Even better than the ever-popular Wind Emitting Diodes! Order yours today! Box CHIFF-CON, THE DIAPASON.
ATTENTION ORGANISTS! Not every congregation is blessed with great preaching. And even the best sermons can be too long, especially on a Sunday when you’ve got a pressing engagement after the last service. What to do? Install our new Sermon Override Toestud! This handy accessory uses ultra-high-tech black box technology to induce feedback into the sound system. When sermons stretch on a bit too long, a subtle tap on the Sermon Override Toestud will provoke enough speaker squawk to get even the most long-winded homilist to wrap it up quickly. Can be turned on and off when you wish, so that you won’t accidentally use it during an important recital! Easily installed using ordinary sacristy tools. Box Mitchell-Con, THE DIAPASON, email@example.com.
Attention Church Organists! New service—Mission Statement Writing. These days, it’s not enough to be a superb player and decent human being. Sooner or later you will be required to produce a mission statement. Your mission, of course, is not to be a skillful musician and effective, personable choir leader who produces quality music—it is to be a Spirit-filled team player, problem solver, and consensus builder who knows what’s on the radar screen and who can reach for the low-hanging fruit on the faith journey. Our exclusive new service will create a mission statement for you that will keep the committee members off your back for a long time. Let us describe how you can light the fire of excellence, develop your tool kit and core competencies, and alleviate fallout to empower the paradigm shifts. Bonus: With every mission statement, receive our free booklet, “Talk Like a Pro,” an easy-to-use guide showing you how to pepper your speech with phrases that let ‘em know you can think outside the box. A snazzy mission statement and the right verbal buzzwords let the praise band supporters think you’re one of them, thereby freeing you up to actually do your job. Order yours today! Box Buzz, firstname.lastname@example.org.
NEW! Society for Historical Toasters. Join the newest association for the “organ” devoted to the preservation of non-pipe instruments. Now you can be among like-minded individuals, instead of being scorned by elitist pipe-biased colleagues. This new organization will defend your right to prefer virtual organ sound instead of that old-fashioned, Neanderthal, wind-produced pipe sound. You can freely enjoy the perfect tuning and inexpensive, low-maintenance lifestyle you desire. And you can nominate historic tube-type toasters for the society’s “Historic Certificate,” bestowed upon deserving examples of the electronic art. Join now and receive a free t-shirt, plus a subscription to the official journal, TOASTER NEWS. Reply to Box SHT, THE DIAPASON, email@example.com.
ATTENTION ORGANISTS! Do you ever play an instrument with a healthy en chamade trumpet? And do you ever get carried away?—perhaps using it on too many hymn stanzas, and the postlude, or on too many pieces in your recitals. If self-control is not your strong suit, you need our latest accessory: the Non-Chamade Control System. This ingenious device uses the latest ultra-high-tech black box technology to calculate how long you’ve already used the trumpet (will also work with other high-pressure reeds), and when you’ve reached your limit, will engage another stop (of your choosing) instead. Simple-to-use dial lets you set the amount of minutes, just like using a kitchen timer! Easily installed with ordinary sacristy tools. So stop tormenting those little old ladies (who, admittedly, sit right where the organ is loudest), and end Chamade abuse the easy way. Box Non-Chamade, THE DIAPASON, firstname.lastname@example.org.
ATTENTION ORGANISTS! New historically informed pedal technique instruction method: “Stomp Your Way to Pedal Virtuosity.” Learn the secrets of Baroque all-toe pedaling. No more fussy toe-and-heel fannying about. Get down and stomp on those pedals! Also available: BarockMeister OrgelShoes, with heels already removed—ideal for use with this new pedal method book! Choose from your favorite liturgical colors. Order yours today! Box Pedal-Con, THE DIAPASON, email@example.com.
ATTENTION ORGANISTS! Are you concerned about historically correct performance? The proper temperament gives the right flavor to a particular style. Make the dream of the right temperament a reality with our new HyperTUNE temperament system! Using ultra-high-tech black-box technology along with artificial intelligence, HyperTUNE automatically selects the correct temperament based on the style of the music you’re playing. Causes little or no damage to pipe cutups. Box Hyper-Con, THE DIAPASON, firstname.lastname@example.org.
Wind-Emitting Diodes now supersede all other organ actions. Eliminate bulky windchests—glue a tiny WED in each toehole and run two tiny wires to a 12-volt source (24 volts for high pressure pipework). No experience and little equipment necessary to become a high-profit organbuilder. Reply to BOX HIGH TECH, c/o THE DIAPASON.